Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have A different put where American Guys can don robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Anyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must prevent applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of Trump Tower Damascus the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is currently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also contain:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD might have transform-down provider."

A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."